79-09-A2
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Double Standard
TranscriptSCENE: a dark, cramped, high-ceilinged office in an old government building in Washington, D.C. It is the Bureau of Double Standards, occupying only two rooms. In the inner room, the chief of the bureau gazes out the window. His assistant, Smithers, rushes in. SMITHERS: Chief! Chief! Great news. It's the break we've been waiting for; the first really good news since the Human Rights Office people traveled around South America giving those governments lectures on morality. CHIEF: Calm down, Smithers. We've waited so long a few moments to catch your breath won't hurt. SMITHERS: Right, chief, but I'm very excited. You see, the president has decided to keep the sanctions on Zimbabwe Rhodesia, despite the fact they elected a new black majority government freely, with nearly two-thirds of the population voting. CHIEF: Wonderful, but did he use the language we drafted for him? SMITHERS: Yes, that's the best part. He said the elections weren't "free and fair" enough to justify his lifting the sanctions. He said that keeping them on would be in the best interests of the U. S. and -- get this -- the people of Zimbabwe Rhodesia. CHIEF: Perfect. Did he go all the way and compare the new government in Salisbury unfavorably with, say, Nigeria or Zambia or Tanzania? SMITHERS: Not quite, but he implied it and I doubt the point was lost on the public. He made it pretty obvious that if a government in Africa is run by a dictator, is Marxist or socialist or has a self-proclaimed emperor, president-for-life or one-party rule or if it has oil it threatens to withhold, such as Nigeria, we'll accord that government full diplomatic honors. But not Rhodesia. CHIEF: In other words, he's holding firm -- as we recommended -- for inclusion of the terrorists Nkomo and Mugabe , who have refused to participate in talks with the Salisbury coalition and who turned down every invitation to participate in the elections? SMITHERS: Right. Andy Young says they've got to be part of the deal, even though they've made it clear they aren't the least bit interested in democracy, only getting control of the country. Still, the various dictatorships in the neighborhood have told Andy that Nkomo and Mugabe have to be in on the deal or they'll be angry with us. And that threat is enough to make Andy light-headed. CHIEF: Smithers, I'm proud of you . This is a great day in the history of the Bureau of Double Standards. It takes me back to the day the president said we couldn't control events in other countries -- referring to the revolution in Iran -- just as the administration was cutting off credit and arms to Nicaragua in order to topple the government there. SMIIBERS: It's good to be back in the good graces of the White House, Chief. Why, now, maybe they'll restore our budget cuts and give us a couple of extra rooms and even a secretary. |
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